By the time this issue gets to press, most of us will have engaged in that bi-annual act first thought of by Benjamin Franklin back in 1784. Daylight Savings Time means changing the batteries in our smoke alarms and for those of us who ride (in the northern part of the northern hemisphere) it's a sobering reminder that the end of the season draws nigh. It's time to think about those engine mods, a new paint job, or at the very least an oil change. Bike related activities are relegated to the indoors and many of us fanatics will turn to the tube for any two wheeled offerings to sustain us.

In keeping with the change of season I've compiled a review of a few bike-related programs for those of you who have been too busy riding for the last six months to keep up with the goings-on at OCC. I've assigned a rating of between one and five spokes based on informal polling of people I know or ride with and have tried to remain as objective as possible.

AMERICAN CHOPPER
In my opinion there are two types of motorcycle related programs, those intended primarily for people who ride and those intended for people who don't necessarily ride. This show is a premier example of the latter. I've never once been asked by friends or anyone I know who rides if I caught last night's episode. In fact, the only people who seem to be interested in discussing the adventures in Teutleland are people who don't ride but know that I do, as if the gang at OCC is somehow representative of the greater motorcycling community. I'll admit that I followed it for a while in the beginning, until one evening when the normally gripping narrative was interrupted for 15 minutes to film Paul Jr. and his girl at the local fair (not going to meet your tight deadline like that Pauly). Lately every time I flip past this show I see someone either swinging a hammer or rolling a piece of metal sculpture in front of an applauding crowd. Formulaic, too much (yawn) drama, not enough actual building footage. But you already knew that. Two generous spokes out of five.

BIKER BUILD-OFF
Chopper-based programs are still hot and make up a large percentage of motorcycle programming. For those who are into it, this series doesn't get old. Like blues music, it's always the same but different. Different personalities and different ideas about the same thing-what makes for the coolest true custom. However I'm sure some were shocked recently after a pair of hard-core competing builders loaded their bikes into trailers after getting caught in the rain. Cut to the highway overhead camera shot, "Two legends of chopperdom, motors howling like wild beasts, freedom, the open road, but only under fair skies please..." That aside, I have no doubt that I could now make my own rear fender from a piece of sheet metal should the need ever arise. Four spokes out of five, although if I see one more shot of someone using an English wheel I'm going to scream.

TWO WHEEL TUESDAY
Poor Greg White, I'm sure he tries his best at fitting Two Wheel Tuesday into one hour, but really, who is this aimed at? If the previously mentioned are guilty of being narrowly focused, this show is the opposite, Speed Channel's token nod to motorcyclists. It's the Motorcycle Variety Show, covering everything from superbike racing to hillclimbing, dirt track, motocross and more. Broadly focused but watchable, I'll usually find something of interest during the hour. And let's face it, we can't be too choosy considering the meager alms afforded us by the networks. Come on Speed Channel, doesn't Two Wheel Tuesday deserve at least two hours? Three and a half spokes out of five.

AMERICAN THUNDER
Maybe limiting itself to the American motorcycle (read Harley-Davidson) is the reason there only seems to be six episodes made per year. Events and show coverage, very general tech, customizing and safety stuff, the Harley Lifestyle Show. Could be more interesting if the script writers from American Chopper were brought on board to give Michelle some more attitude. "Kick back and let your f***ing pipes cool down ass***e, we'll be right back on American f***ing Thunder". Three spokes out of five, just because any former 'Barker's Beauty' from 'The Price Is Right', is ok with me.

CORBIN'S RIDE ON
Unlikely as the name may suggest, I consider this the best of the current lot, although re-runs are abundant. If you think that host Brian Jackson's voice has a DJ quality it's because he was a radio morning man for 14 years. The sometimes hokey but always enthusiastic delivery provides the narrative for coverage of international events, industry manufacturer interviews, and tech and custom information for the average rider who doesn't have their own machine shop. A great balance of useful information and entertainment, this show is meant for people who ride, regardless of brand or style. Four and a half spokes out of five.

In the interest of space I've neglected to include some of the more sporadic programs that appear from time to time, after all we can't just sit in front of the tube all winter waiting for the next installment of Motorcycle Mania. Speaking of which we could do with a better title here, maybe something like "Jesse James and His Hell Bent Riders of Doom and Death" (T-shirts available at your local department store). Most roadracing coverage is worthwhile, when you can find it. MotoGP, Supersport, Superbike, Formula Extreme, Flat track, take your pick. Choppers may look dangerous, but for some perspective watch a highside on a track at 100mph+. Oh, and anyone who races at the Isle of Man TT is a true motorcycle maniac.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm anti-chopper, on the contrary, I consider these true custom creators to be the two wheel equivalent of hot rod builders and they deserve all the respect they get for being masters of their craft. Truth be told however, most of these guys were toiling away in relative obscurity until they were "discovered" (pun intended). When the ratings drop and choppers fade from the mainstream they will still be building them, existing as they always have in a niche within a niche, out of the public view where the really cool stuff happens as a result of passion and not camera appeal.

So as the days get shorter and colder I'll be waiting for that first Sunday in April when the clocks move ahead and the ice has melted from the roads. While watching television's inter-pretation of my obsession, a quote from Mr. Franklin comes to mind, "What you seem to be, be really".

And of course one can always go to the local Blockbuster and pick up a copy of Biker Boyz or Stone Cold. MMM

Ken - kombustionchamber@rogers.com