| Really, really bad combos |
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| Thursday, 29 December 2005 | |
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The World is a Circus William Thomas - tillsonburgnews.com The Tillsonburg News — I heard on the radio yesterday that a Baptist minister down in the States was standing in three feet of water and about to baptize a woman of his church when he reached out and grabbed the microphone from the master of ceremonies so he could be heard by those in the back of the crowd. A bad combination, electricity and water. The woman somehow survived. But it got me thinking about concepts that clash, two items that need to be separated by a border with armed guards before they find each other. A television news report last week revealed two very interesting aspects of this massive motorcycle craze that is sweeping North America. First, that the new models of motorcycles coming onto the market are by far faster and more powerful than anything we've ever seen. And second, the riders that are purchasing those motorcycles are getting very, very old. Bad combination, right there. You can now go from zero to 100 kilometres per hour in less than a minute but your cataracts have you seeing double. .... That's like finding out the plane you're on is the new Boeing 7E7 generation of jets that's travelling non-stop from Toronto to Tokyo in under eight hours but the only pilot with the experience to fly it needs a one hour nap every afternoon. In any society in which technology and age are advancing at the same alarming rates, you've got a ticking time bomb with a snooze alarm on it. One consolation of geezers riding monster choppers is that they're probably already a little bit deaf. The noise shouldn't bother them at all. And by the way, how is it that if my car made as much ear-splitting racket as the modern and muffler-less motorcycle, I'd be ticketed twice just going to the store and back? Just curious, is all. Mis-matching seems more of the norm than a mistake these days. Like the guy I saw on television in Toronto's Pride Parade on a float depicting the band The Village People. Dressed in animal skins and a feathery boa, this guy had a Mohawk haircut with a frontward combover. Bad combination, right there. Like wearing chaps with boxer shorts. Like slick spiky hair on an ill-fitting hairpiece - that just flies in the face of fashion. I saw a fat man riding a kids' bicycle down Clarence Street in Port Colborne last Saturday and his rear end was higher than his head because, although the seat was up high, the handle bars were low and from behind, how can I put this... OK, think Grand Canyon butt crack!!! Middle of the afternoon half moon!!! I am not exaggerating and I had a horrified witness beside me in the car and she will attest to the fact that this was a moon that could be seen from the moon! There was so much flesh exposed, Neil Armstrong could have walked on this guy's bum. A small step for mankind, a giant leap into Bare Buttock County. An excellent opportunity for boxer shorts, right there. That's one scary combination - low slung jeans and butt cleavage in full escape mode - and just two days before Halloween. And no, I don't think he was a plumber. Bad ensembles are everywhere these days like polka dot bikinis on a background of mostly liver spots. If you want to see the mismatch of the millennium, walk the seawall along the sandy cove of Albufeira, Portugal where 80-year-old German women sunbath topless while wearing thongs. A kid selling blindfolds to passersby could be driving an Audi by the end of a week. Trust me, no amount of Maceira will erase that image from your mind. Somebody please invent cerebral white-out. And the husbands with the beer coolers that double as their bellies should definitely be arrested for wearing Speedos. Wearing any apparel in which most of the material is overlapped by skin ought to be illegal. I've never had dinner with these people but I wouldn't be surprised if the evening fashion statement includes miniskirts with lederhosen as well as sandals and knee-high black socks. And no nipple piercing should ever be visible. Period. Let alone below the waist. Like an eye ring that appears behind reading glasses - that's just a real bad combination. I have no idea where this wedding of weird lifestyle choices will end but I fear for the not-so-grand finale ... like an old guy in a Superman outfit screaming down the highway on roller blades and a walker. Related Articles:CARVER: the sensational alternativeWhat do the letters mean in Harley Model Numbers? Do you carry a flashlight? Speeding in Saskatchewan - worth it? Safe Tie Down Everything you ever wanted to know about chrome plating Motorcycling in the Rain |
