Today&#039;s Stock Market Report:<br /><br />Helium was up<br /><br />Feathers were down<br /><br />Paper was stationary<br /><br />Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading<br /><br />Knives were up sharply<br /><br />Cows steered into a bull market<br /><br />Pencils lost a few points<br /><br />Hiking equipment was trailing<br /><br />Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline<br /><br />Weights were up in heavy trading<br /><br />Light switches were off<br /><br />Mining equipment hit rock bottom<br /><br />Diapers remain unchanged<br /><br />Shipping lines stayed at an even keel<br /><br />The market for raisins dried up<br /><br />Coca Cola fizzled<br /><br />Caterpillar stock inched up a bit<br /><br />Sun peaked at midday<br /><br />Balloon prices were inflated<br /><br />And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom

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wow...

pretty clever!<br />